Baby Shower, The
by yellowhorde
Summary: 1xR, 2xH, 3x4, 5xS, and 6x9. Duo, Hilde and the others throw a baby shower for Relena and end up playing a game that is a little...odd.


Hi, Fela, everyone! This is my entry for the April 2002 contest for unique use of candy.  

Disclaimer:  No, they are not mine and I'm not making any money from this.  I'm just entertaining my sick, twisted mind.  J  

Pairings:  1xR, 2xH, 3x4, 5xS, and 6x9

Category:  General/Humor maybe…

Warnings:  None that I can think of. Not for those with weak stomachs I guess…

Summary:  The Gundam boys and girls hold a baby shower for Relena.

Title: The Baby Shower

Author:  yellowhorde

I'm not the best writer, but I enjoy what I do.  What more can I ask?

THE BABY SHOWER

Carefully Duo set down the two trays of hors d'oeuvre down on the coffee table in the living room.  It was a small neatly maintained room, very cozy with comfortable furniture, a large gas fireplace framed with black marble and lovely framed art on the walls.  The art was Hilde's idea and although he didn't know anything about art, Duo had to admit that the paintings were lovely and added a sense of class to the place.  Standing upright up with a sigh, Duo stretched easily, stifling a small yawn.  The day had been dark and rainy and all Duo wanted to do was curl up in a nice warm blanket and take a nap.  Not that THAT was going to happen.  The guests of honor were due to arrive at any time.  

Duo tugged fretfully at the tie Hilde had insisted that he wear.  The dress shirt and slacks were bad enough, but the tie was pushing it just a little too far, in his humble opinion.  The brown haired man glanced around the empty living room.  Quatre, Sally, and Noin were upstairs in the kitchen helping Hilde with those last minute finishing touches on the food trays.  It had been Hilde's idea to host the baby shower for Relena and she wanted everything to be just rightie.  But then again, everything his dearest wife did was, in Duo's humble opinion, just rightie.  But she could be rather paranoid and had proved herself to be a closet perfectionist.  She had been slowly driving Duo crazy all day with her constant worrying and obsessive behavior, so he finally decided to head downstairs where the voices of his friends drifted up from the small flight of steps that led down to the recreation room, the real heart of the house as far as Duo was concerned.  

When he entered the tiny room, Duo noted that Zechs and Trowa were battling it out over a fierce game of Bubble Bobble.  Zechs seemed to be in the lead, but Trowa was in a close second.  Bubbles flew fast and furious much to the amusement of tiny Fei Hong, Wufei's little boy.  The three-year-old wore a simply adorable blue coverall with pandas on the knees and sat quietly on his daddy's lap watching the two grown-ups play.   

Duo ruffled the small child's thick glossy hair in passing.  "Hey, Squirt!  You being a good boy for your old man?"  

Fei Hong, an exact miniature replica of the proud Wufei, nodded his head solemnly, his kohl eyes glimmering as he glanced back at his father.  " I'm a good boy, right, Daddy?"

With a smile of paternal joy, Wufei, looking cool and elegant in his black silk pantsuit with the emblem of the Dragon and Phoenix on one side, pulled the boy into a quick hug, and planted a kiss atop the small head.  "Of course, you are, my son."   The tiny boy beamed his happiness and nestled closer to his daddy.  

Duo chuckled to himself and eased his way past the small group, making his way over to his favorite chair.  But, before the long braided man had the opportunity to plop down on the padded recliner the doorbell rang.  Hilde's voice drifted down the stairs from the kitchen.  

"Duo!  Get the door!"

"Duo, get the door! Duo, pick up your socks!" Purple eyes sparkled as the not-so-very put upon husband groused good-naturedly as he dragged his skinny butt back up the stairs.  "I'm nothing but your man servant, Hilde, you know that?  The world's biggest Go-for!  Go for, this!  Go for that!"  

Hilde hurried down the stairs wiping her hands on her white frilly apron.  Tiny laces of bubbles crept up her forearms and tendrils of her dark, dark hair fluttered free from her restraining ponytail.  She looked absolutely wonderful in a purple cowl neck sweater and black jeans.  But then again, to Duo she looked good no matter what she was wearing…even better if she were wearing nothing at all…  

"Yes, I know, and I appreciate all you do, too!"  Grinning, Hilde gave Duo a peck on the check.  "Now, husband mine, please be so kind as to answer the door!"

With a flourish, Duo obeyed and there on the covered porch stood Heero Yuy and a very pregnant Relena.  

"Oh! My! God!" gasped Duo, his eyes wide as saucers.  "Relena, your HUGE!"

"Duo!" hissed Hilde, jabbing her husband solidly in his side with an elbow. "That is NOT something you say to a pregnant woman!"   

"Ummm…Er…I mean…you…GLOW!  Yeah!  You're looking positively radiant!"  Duo hastily amended as he ushered the two expecting parents in out from the rain.  Heero removed his jacket then helped his wife out of her trench coat before handing them over to the former pilot of Deathscythe. He shot Duo a warning glance as the foolish braided man took the coats and hung them up in the now full hall closet. 

"That's okay, dear. Calm down and give the poor man a break!"  Relena smiled as she eased herself down on the couch.  She was wearing a blue denim dress with an empire waist that really did little to hide the bulge of her belly.  "After all, Duo's right.  I AM huge!  There's no denying the fact!  I'm just a great big whale!" 

Heero, who was dressed in a white dress shirt and tailored black slacks, sighed in resignation as he sat down besides the woman he loved.  "Yes, I suppose your right."  Sensing a potential trap too late, he added hastily, "I should give Duo a break."

"I know I'm right, Heero." Relena smiled as she leaned ponderously over and gave Heero a light kiss on the cheek.  

 "Duo, could you let everyone know that Heero and Relena are here?" Hilde asked as she hurried up the stairs to fetch additional refreshments. 

"Sure!  No problem!"  Grinning, Duo cupped his hands over his mouth and called out in a loud voice, "Hey, you guys!  Heero and Relena are finally here!  Time to eat, drink and be merry!"

An exasperated Hilde stuck her head back over the banister.  "Duo! _I could have done that!"_

"Then why didn't you?"  Duo shot back with a grin.

"Oh, you!  You'll get yours someday!"

"Well, actually, I was hoping to get some tonight, if that's okay with you!" Duo said, cheekily.  

Not trusting herself to speak, a very red faced Hilde withdrew back to the kitchen.  

*****

Dinner was finally served and eaten and then it was time for the gifts.  Trowa in his usual attire, a green turtle neck and tight black jeans and Quatre in his pink polo shirt and casual khakis went first and presented Relena with several teeny tiny baby outfits in shades of mint green and lemon yellow and blanket with a smiling teddy bear in the middle.  

Quatre blushed and ducked his head. "We weren't sure if you were going to have a boy or a girl so we decided to go with some relatively safe colors!"  

"Oh, thank you, Quatre!  You, too, Trowa!"  Relena reached out and gave Quatre's hand a warm squeeze.  She then beamed a smile at the tall banged boy at his side. "Oh, they are just so adorable and oh so tiny!"

"Please feel free to call on our services whenever you two need a babysitter." Trowa intoned solemnly.  "Quatre and I are quite fond of children, so it wouldn't be a bother at all."  Quatre, nodding his head in agreement, glanced at the banged man, smiled gently, and snuggled up closer, resting his head against Trowa's sturdy shoulder.  "The same offer applies to both you and Sally as well, Wufei."

"Whoa, did you hear that Sally, they actually WANT to watch children!"  Wufei's brows twitched in a suggestive manner.  "I say we ditch the boy tonight!"  A wolfish grin lit up the Chinese man's face. Sally looking elegant in a satin red sheath gown with matching red pumps laughed merrily and smacked her husband lightly upside the back of his head.

"Oh!  You!"  

The little boy glanced over to his mother with solemn dark eyes.  With a tiny smile the little boy squirmed off of his father's lap and toddled over towards his uncles Trowa and Quatre.  Quatre picked up the youngest Chang and scooting over, set the boy between him and Trowa.  

"I wanna stay with Unka Tro' and Quat' tonight!"  Chirped the child snuggling comfortably between the two men.  The adults all chuckled at this bold statement.    

 "Thanks, you guys."  Heero laughed.  "We'll be sure to take you up on your offer!"

Wufei and Sally offered their gift next which was a blue folding baby crib with a matching carrying bag.  Wufei smiled ruefully as Heero peered closely at the assembly instructions. 

"Hn." Grunted Heero as he tried to quickly decipher the instructions, which sounded as if they were written for preschoolers.  "It seems to be simple and straight forward.  Thanks, Wufei, Sally.  I'm sure it will come in very handy."

"The instructions may say that thing folds up and fits into the carrying bag, but I'll be damned if I have ever been able to make it fit.  Maybe the Perfect Soldier will have better luck?"  Wufei shook his head in mock sorrow.  "Nothing in the world can make a grown man feel like a complete idiot quite like trying to dismantle one of these blasted cribs…and failing miserably."  

"Don't worry, I'm sure I can handle it."  Replied Heero confidently.  

Relena laughed out loud. "This coming from the man who couldn't assemble the television entertainment cabinet!"  

"Hey, I got it together eventually!"  Heero replied in an affronted manner.

"Yes, you did, after hours of screaming and cursing."  Relena conceded, "And it fell completely apart when we tried to move it."  

"The nails were defective."  

"I'm sure they were, dear."  Relena patted her husband's hand and was not entirely succeeding in hiding the mirth that gleamed in her blue eyes.  

Zechs, elegant as always in a white tuxedo, leaned forward then and presented his sister with a variety of brightly wrapped packages with exquisitely done bows.  

"Oh! Nice wrapping job, Zechs!"  Duo said in a tone of admiration.  There were murmurs of agreement from the others. "When did you learn to wrap gifts like that?"

Zechs cleared his throat and smiled at his fiancé.  "I didn't wrap them, Noin did.  She volunteers to wrap presents at the Mall during the Christmas season.  Her work is always in high demand."

"Oh, this is beautifully done, Noin!"  Relena exclaimed.  "I almost don't want to open them up!  You can wrap my presents any day!  I usually end up buying one of those colorful bags and some matching tissue paper!  I'm just no good at wrapping!"

"Don't worry, Relena."  Sally assured, "Once you have your baby, you'll be doing a lot of wrapping!  Diapers mostly!"

"Don't remind me!"  Lamented the young mother to be with a sigh.

Zechs and Noin's gifts consisted of an adorable pink teddy bear, an assortment of bottles and bibs and a baby sized tub.  Relena squealed delight at the sight of the teddy bear and clutched it to her bosom.  

"It's just so cute and so soft!  Thanks, you two!  Baby's first teddy bear!  Oh, I'm sure she'll love it!"

"Oh, so it's a girl, is it?" Noin chirped excitedly. She smacked Zechs playfully in the arm.  "You see?  I told you pink would be the best color!  She IS having a girl!  Am I psychic, or what?"  The dark haired woman grinned triumphantly at Wufei and holding out her hand expectantly, trilled happily, "You owe me twenty buck, Mr. Chang, for losing your bet!"

"Injustice!" Murmured Wufei as he reached into his pocket and procured the twenty dollars.

"You guys made a bet on if I would have a boy or a girl?"  Exclaimed Relena in amazement.

"Sure, we did!  We also have one on the baby's birth date, how much it'll weigh, how long you'll be in labor and even how big your stomach will expand!"  Duo grinned casting a sly look in Relena's direction.  "By the looks of things, I'm way ahead in the girth department!"

"Well!  It's nice to know SOMEONE is making a profit from all of this!"  Huffed Relena.  

"Don't be upset, Relena!"  Noin said trying to placate the poor girl.  Her purple satin pantsuit glimmered in the light that filtered in through the living room windows. "It's all in good fun!  And who knows, you may have a chance to get your revenge sooner than you think!"  

"What do you mean by that, Noin?"  Duo asked.

"Oh, you'll see soon enough.  I promise!"  With that Noin fell silent and refused to answer any further questions on the matter but cast a conspirators glance towards Hilde.

  
"Okay, okay!  It's time to open our presents Relena!"  Hilde exclaimed hastily as she reached over the side of the couch to reveal a medium sized present covered in multi-colored balloons.  "This one is from me and Duo."  

"Oh, what is it?" Exclaimed Relena.  

"Open it and see, why don't you?"  Grinned the dark haired woman.  

"Oh, it's a mini sound system!"  Teased Heero once his wife opened the package, being careful not to cause too much damage to the beautiful wrapping paper.  Yet another item she intended to add to her enormous scrap book, no doubt.

"No, it's so you can hear the baby even if you aren't in the same room."  Proclaimed Sally, who had retrieved the young Fei Hong who had finally fallen asleep between Quatre and Trowa.  After such an exciting day it was a wonder that he had fallen asleep at all.  She had been afraid that all of the goings on- not to mention the staggering amount of sugar the little boy had consumer- would have kept the toddler up way past his bedtime.    "These things are invaluable!  You can hear the baby anywhere throughout the house.  It's especially useful when your stuck doing all those extra clean up chores!  All those toys!  I never imagined little kids could be so messy!  If the baby wakes up and cries, you'll know instantly!"

"Well, that's a relief!"  Relena murmured, thinking of diapers and midnight feedings and heavens knows what other new experiences she would be having once the baby was born.

"My turn, my turn!"  Duo was almost jumping up and down with excitement.  Eagerly, he pushed his present into Relena's hands. 

"I'm almost afraid to open this one."  Relena admitted. 

Duo's own personal gift was a tee shirt with the words "I'm not FAT!  I'm PREGNANT!" on the front.  Relena smiled indulgently as she held the shirt in front of her. 

"My, my, but we do have a sense of humor today, don't we, Mr. Maxwell?" Relena grinned as she carefully folded up the shirt and tucked it back into the box it had come from.  

"Yeah, well, call it a weakness, ya know?  It's all in good fun, Relena. Hope I didn't offend you."

"No, no offense!  That what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, right?"

"Well, now!" Hilde got up after shooting Duo a warning glare, "Now it's time for a little fun!  I have a game in mind that you all may find a little… interesting!"  With a smile Hilde grabbed Duo by the hand and dragged him towards the kitchen. "We'll be right back!" 

***** 

Duo grinned silently on the couch as Zechs and Noin followed the steps that lead up towards the kitchen.  Quatre and Trowa met the young couple half way down the steps and both looked a bit green around the gills.  Quatre managed a weak smile in passing, but the effort seemed beyond Trowa, at least for the moment.  The tall blond haired Zechs exchanged a quizzical glance with his fiancé.  A look that clearly said, "Now what was that all about?" Shrugging her shoulders, Noin's expression said, "Don't ask me!" And the two continued up towards the stairs with some trepidation.  

Quatre plopped his slender frame down on the couch with a sigh.  "Well…now…that was certainly…" The young man paused, groping for an appropriate term until finally he had one. "Odd. Yes, that was indeed… odd."

"HA!" Exclaimed the young Arabian's dark haired lover as he sat down carefully beside Quatre. "More like disturbing.  I can't believe we volunteered to baby-sit.  Maybe we were being too rash?"

"I think you may be right, Trowa!  I just don't think I could handle anything like…THAT!"  The blond man shuddered delicately.  

"What?  What was it?"  Chorused a very curious Wufei and Sally.  

"You'll see soon enough."  Warned Trowa as he let his head fall back against the couch cushions.

*****

"It's your turn, Heero! Relena!" Hilde exclaimed cheerfully as she came down the steps.  Zechs and Noin followed blindly in her wake, seeming oblivious to the rest of the world.  Both seemed visually shocked from their "ordeal".  Without a word, the two stumbled over to their seats.  They sat for several minutes in stunned silence.  Trowa and Quatre exchanged sympathetic smiles but remained still.  With some trepidation, Heero and Relena followed the evilly grinning Hilde.

"Better to let them come around on their own, right, Trowa?"

Trowa nodded absently, his mind still reeling.

Finally, Zechs reached out to take Noin's hand and gazed urgently into her eyes.  "That was simply too…too…" 

The Lightning Count was unable to continue.  He had seen some awful things in his days as a soldier, but nothing, NOTHING had prepared him for the sight that had greeted him in that seemingly innocent kitchen.  

"Promise me, Zechs, that we will NEVER have children!"  Noin clung to her fiancé shaking in the extremity of her terror.  "That was simply disgusting!"  She whirled towards a grinning Duo and spat, "You people are sick, deranged!  Utterly demented!"  

"Why thank you!"  Laughed Duo, his grin growing to Cheshire cat proportions, "We aim to please!"

*****

When Hilde returned at length with her latest pair of victims, Wufei and Sally both seemed loath to take the short trips up those stairs.  Whatever was up there obviously wasn't something they wanted to see.  But they had no choice, not really.  If they didn't go, then they would be branded as cowards, and that simply would not do! So, squaring their shoulders, Wufei and Sally stoically followed Hilde up the now dreaded steps.

Relena and Heero staggered downstairs after Hilde, the wicked witch of the West, had snatched up her latest victims and were greeted by four pair of sympathetic eyes.  Having taken their seats, a nearly tearful Relena clung to her stunned husband.  No words were spoken.  What could be said?

"Oh, Heero!" Relena finally wept, "I don't want any more children!  That was just too horrible!"

Heero stroked his wife's long smooth locks, his Prussian blue eyes glazed and far away, contemplating the inevitable future that loomed threateningly ahead.  If only he had known what Fate had in store for them, he would have been more careful in bed…

*****

"Okay, you two!" Hilde exclaimed, rubbing her hands together gleefully, "here you go!"  

Hilde led the two parents over to the table where several clean baby diapers were arranged on the table.  Suspicious globs and smears of brown goo were centered in the middle of each diaper.  Wufei wrinkled his nose in distaste.

"Don't worry, Wufei, it's not real.  We melted several different bars of chocolate in the microwave to simulate real baby poo!"

"Well, obviously!" Exclaimed Wufei, disappointed by the display set out before him.  Had THIS really upset the others so badly?  It seemed unlikely. There must be more here than meets the eyes!  

"You two will try to decide what brands of chocolate bars we used to simulate the poo!  You can see, touch and smell, but NO tasting!"

Sally felt a little nauseated at the prospect of having to actually TASTE anything that was presented to them on that oak table.  After all, candy or no, the little piles of brown goo looked too much like the real thing to be very appealing.   

"You have five minutes to decide.  The one who guesses the most correct answers wins a twenty-five dollar gift certificate to the Westroads Mall!  Okay, are we ready?"

Mutely, Wufei and his wife nodded their heads in unison. 

"Okay!  Now, ready, set, and GO!"

*****

Sally and Wufei strolled down the stairs casually with Hilde behind them, notebook in hand.  Wufei cast a smirking glance at his friends and fellow pilots.  It was difficult to imagine that THAT had unnerved them all so!  But then again, none of them were parents yet.  The experience was bound to be a little upsetting!  

Once everyone was seated and Hilde had everyone's attention, Duo strolled over to his wife and took the notebook from her.  Quickly, Duo scanned the results of the game.  They really weren't unexpected, not if you really thought about it.  In fact, it made a bit of sense.  

"Okay everyone, the results are in!  Best out of five wins and the scores are as follows:  Trowa and Quatre scored 0 and 0.  Sorry guys, I guess you just couldn't handle the mission, huh? Noin and Zechs on the other hand also scored 0 and 0!  Too bad, you two, maybe next time!  Relena and Heero did a little better with Relena scoring 2 and Heero scoring 1.  Way to go Relena!  You must have been doing your homework what with all those cravings and all!  And last but not least, were Sally and Wufei with an outstanding score!  Sally guessed three correctly while Wufei got all five answers right!  Way to Wufei!"  

Scattered applause followed this statement and Duo, grin firmly in place walked over towards a pleased Wufei and handed him the gift certificate.  Wufei beamed and hugged Sally to him. 

"I couldn't have done it without the help of my dear wife, Sally, and my son, Fei Hong!"

"Did you hear that, folks!  What a guy!"  Duo laughed uproariously.  "Ladies and gentlemen!  I now present to you, the one and only, WUFEI, KING OF THE POO! LONG LIVE THE KING!"  

Hilde took her obnoxious husband aside and leaned in close to him, enjoying the familiar scent of his cologne.  "You know, Duo, you may get your chance to be the 'king of poo' before too much longer," Purred Hilde into her love's ear.  

"Oh?  Really? And why is that, my dear?" 

Hilde blushed and whispered into her husband's ear.  

Astonishment passed over Duo's face and violet eyes bulged in astonishment.

"You're WHAT?"

THE END.   

My sister actually attended a baby shower where they played this disgusting game!  LOL!  Oh, I am told that reactions were similar if not so extreme!  I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing!


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